Sometimes I wonder just how bad I can feel…
I’m sick of it, I’m tired of it. It’s so wearing. I’ve had depression all my life and I just keep walking in nothingness. I feel like I must be able to control it somehow, that I must be creating it myself and that I should be able to do something about it. But I can’t.
I’m so tired of asking for help. It takes so much energy to ask for help and then when I do and get nothing it’s harder than muddling through it.
I’m not good at asking for help and when I do and get nothing I feel worse than I did before.
I’m not sure this is cathartic, I’m not sure if I’m going to publish it, but somehow I have the feeling that maybe I should, just to help others who have experienced it too. Or maybe it’s to be truly honest.
I don’t know.
How would I describe it I wonder…
Maybe the best way is to say how it has felt the few times in my life it has lifted. It felt like a black cloud lifted from above my head. I could see it move. It was the most liberating feeling. I yearn to feel it again…
I wake up empty, I go to bed empty
I can't touch or feel anything but pain
and I don't like myself very much for that
Problem is I see no happy ending (or middle) coming along
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